The best."He thinks he became an actor because, with all the lies he had to tell, he was pretty much an actor all along. But it didn't crystallise for him until he was 19 and briefly went to a Welsh drama school before coming to London, first as a stagehand then as one of the Comedy Store's major players. "He was a Scottish drone who went on and on about all the bank robberies he'd done, whereas everyone knew he'd only ever stolen bags of sweets."Is he scared of anything? Yes, he says, he is scared of being found out. Found out as what? "As someone who is inconsequential, thick and daft." So that's how, deep down, you think of yourself then? "Nope I am saying that sometimes I think these things. And sometimes these thoughts predominate." But not very often, I imagine He was a rubbish cat burglar "because my heart wasn't in it If it had been in it, then I'd have been good". "I was good at getting in, but rubbish at getting out." He did not mind being in borstal.
"I got to play a lot of football." Later, when he did a five-week stretch in Pentonville, he didn't mind that too much, either, although his cellmate was something of a pain. "There must have been gratification in it somewhere, I suppose But mostly it just alienated me from everyone. I never worked in a gang or anything."He went to a comprehensive then to a public boarding school, from which he was expelled for "the usual shit ... drinking, smoking, throwing fireworks from the dormitory windows, generally leading the other boys astray". He ended up in borstal because he had turned his hand to cat burglary, but was a lousy cat burglar. But he then remembered what I had done and shouted, "BACK IN YOUR ROOM".Yes, he says, he did worry about the distress he caused his parents.
Whenever his mother cried over him, as she often did, "I felt terrible shame and guilt." But it wasn't enough to stop him behaving in such a delinquent way. At some point in the game - and I remember this clearly - my dad came upstairs for a pee."I opened my bedroom door a chink "2-1!" he exclaimed excitedly. And I was punished by not being allowed to watch the World Cup Final I had to stay in my bedroom. They said they would be coming back because they wanted to talk to my dad."They didn't return for three days, during which time I lost half a stone My father's wrath was terrible.
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